baby bug

It is hard to fathom that I would have a 4 year old today.

It is still even harder to fathom that I do not.

blossom

I don’t care how “common” it is, miscarriage is hard. Every single due date comes and every single one hurts the same. I grieve for the baby I never held. I grieve for the baby my body rejected.

It is hard to imagine how different our life would be today if we had two babies here to care for. A 4 year old and an almost 2 year old. I’m sure they would be the very best friends, and enemies at times.

I would be making double batches of smoothies and beginning school soon. I would have to replace one of the baby swings for a big kid swing, and I’m sure we’d have bunk beds or sweet matching toddler beds for Elizabeth’s room. We’d probably be busy with an extracurricular activity. Would it be gymnastics or karate? Softball or baseball?

I don’t know. But I do know that I cannot wait for the sweet reunion in heaven. I know My mama is rocking that sweet baby every night, just as I rock Elizabeth. And I am sure that C.J. is the proudest uncle there. He wanted to be one so badly, and neither of them got to hear that I was successfully past the miscarriage point with Elizabeth, when they died.

We will celebrate today though. We will celebrate the miracle that God let me nurture a sweet baby, even if for only 10 weeks. We will celebrate for all that He taught us through him/her, and the way that (s)he changed our lives. We will celebrate that He blessed us with a beautiful healthy baby sister 2 years later. And we will celebrate knowing that (s)he is safe in the hands of God, BB, and Uncle C.J.

We will celebrate just like we did the night we found out I was pregnant!

bug2

Happy 4th Birthday, baby. We love you so much! Your baby sister sleeps with your kitty cat every night. She loves it, just like I knew you would. She also sleeps in the crib we went to NY to get for you. I wish you could have slept in it, too. Bug, you will never know just how much you have changed our lives.

(first birthday post here)

alternate text
connect
instagram rss pinterest twitter facebook Default

balance

Since my blog has grown so rapidly the past two weeks, I have been completely overwhelmed. I’m pretty sure I broke all kinds of records going from 140 followers to over 4500 in 12 days.

With all of the traffic comes lots of comments, emails, facebook messages, direct twitter messages, newsletters to send, lots of stats that I can’t quit refreshing, and so on…

Needless to say, in addition to everything else, it has been overwhelming. I am so, so, so JOYOUS for it though! It is an ever present confirmation that this is exactly what God has called me to do right now.

One of the most powerful things I heard at Blissdom was, “you’re gonna disappoint people. You cannot reply to everybody”. And that’s hard for me. I’m a people pleaser. I want to be as real with you as I can be. I want to tell each single person who comments or emails “thank you”. But I simply cannot.

Don’t think I didn’t try though. Remember back in August when I made my blog public and I wrote this post about being hot or cold? Well for a good while I kept up with the follow up challenge from that post.

But since I started blogging more (which actually has resulted in fewer posts per week) I have been almost glued to my iPhone and my laptop every day for the past 13 days. It has taken a negative toll on me and my family. And this is the part I don’t like.

I am trying to find balance. I have my schedule plastered to my fridge still, but I haven’t been keeping up with it. I’ve had my computer on “working” even when Elizabeth is up and needing my attention. I have fallen behind a chapter in one of my online classes, and most importantly, my one-on-one time with God has been spent publishing things to facebook and pinterest.

While I love all of you, please understand that my husband and daughter come first. They are WHY I do this. Why I choose to work from home. I cannot possibly reply to every single email and comment. I promise I read them all (sometimes over and over) though.

Another powerful thing I took away from Blissdom was the reminder that I am a writer. Writing has always been my way of coping and venting. And lately, I feel like I do a whole lot less of that and a whole lot more of “hey, here’s a recipe”! Though I lovelovelove helping other Mom’s find great healthy recipes and sharing ideas on how to live green, simple, balanced lives, that is not the only reason I started this blog.

(please don’t hit that unfollow button, please hear me out)

I wrote this blog to tell our story. His story. To document the day to day things. To share with you what He has shared with us, how He is blessing our lives through all of the tragedy we have faced, which is what The Pearl Event was all about today.

I will be posting more about Blissdom and The Pearl Event, but I just wanted to jot these things down tonight while they were on my heart and mind. Please bare with me as I find the balance I desire. It may mean commenting less on facebook, and it may mean more posts where I just write instead of posting a recipe or cleaning tip.

I love you all and I’m so glad you’re here. I know that God wrote this story for me to share with you.

alternate text
connect
instagram rss pinterest twitter facebook Default

Love like That

While we were in Kansas right before Christmas, Andrew & I couldn’t help but overhear his Grandmama talking at night after she went to bed.

At first I thought she was praying, but it sounded too casual to me, so I thought perhaps she was on the phone. I could vaguely understand what she was saying; replaying what we had done for the day, and what was in store for the next day… And then it occurred to us – she was talking to her late husband of 35 years, Andrew’s Grandpa.

truelove2
I watched tears well up in Andrew’s eyes, as he recalled, “how sad” it was. I, on the other hand, couldn’t help but feel joy and a tad bit of envy.

Grandpa Zorn has been gone for sixteen years now, but Grandmama continues to talk to him every night, as his picture is beautifully framed on display on her bedside table. I think that is spectacular!
 truelove3

I can only hope and pray that Andrew & I will have that kind of connection long after one of us pass away. Few folks have that kind of connection even while they’re married, much less after they are separated (be it by choice, or by God).

Andrew & I have a pretty strong bond, and have had a pretty amazing few years together. From the day we first met, I knew we were meant to be, and that connection is still alive and well. Sure, we have had our rough patches (mostly since Elizabeth has been born – funny how parenthood can do that to you), but we continue to live and love on. I’ve said it several times, but I truly believe a key to a happy and healthy marriage is praying together each night. It is pretty hard to be humble and pray with a partner you’re mad at.

truelove1

What do you do to keep the spark and connection in your marriage going?

“Love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous or boastful. It is not arrogant or rude. Love does not insist on it’s own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrong, but rejoices in the right. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8 (rsv)
alternate text
connect
instagram rss pinterest twitter facebook Default

two years

 

I was writing a different post for today… It was melancholy and blah, just like the way I’m feeling, but I know you don’t really want to read about those kind of things, so I’ll try again… 

Plain and simple, December 22 will always suck. It will always be a day that I replay over and over in my head and I will always wonder, “what if”. It physically & literally hurts more than I can ever explain.

Some days I can’t believe that this ever happened. It’s simply unbelievable, after two years. But the pain and way I miss them cannot be fake.

But somehow, in all of the grief, I will say that it is not just bitter, it is bittersweet.

Through the tragedy, I have learned so much and grown so much. I have had to do things and learn things I never would have done other wise (and honestly never wanted to), but I have made it. Yes, through God’s Grace, and lotsandlots of prayers and daily encouragement from lots of different people, I have made it this far.

People who remember Mom & CJ make it not so bitter.
Folks who place ribbons and flowers at the tree will never know how appreciated it is.
CJ’s friends who still stop by often to play with Elizabeth and give me a hug do not know how badly I need it or how much it hurts, but heals.
Family, who honor Mom by putting her Christmas ornaments on their tree in her memory convince me that she will never be forgotten as her legacy lives on.
The whispers of strangers in town who point me out as “the girl whose mom and brother were killed” let me know that people will never forget.
And simply knowing that it’s changed the way I cherish and obsess over my family as many others have would make Mom the most proud, for family was most important to her.
Having faith that Mom will never again feel pain or heartache or that CJ will be faced with difficult decisions brings me much peace.

Your prayers and words are the only thing that has gotten me through this, so please keep them coming.

XOXO.

alternate text
connect
instagram rss pinterest twitter facebook Default

Finally…

… I can let you all in on a little secret (no, I am not pregnant).

Sarah, the ever so talented blogger behind Three Boys asked ME to be her first Contributor! I will be blogging over there weekly about family! And I am sooo excited and sooo shocked! Me! A little bitty, nobody!

Let me just say, that this has to be a “God thing”! Remember how none of those resumes resulted in anything? Remember how all of those interviews lead nowhere? Well, I truly believe that God has a plan for all things, and I think I’m beginning to see it!

Since I could construct sentences on paper I’ve been keeping a journal. I took tons of English courses and Creative Writing classes, and desired to earn my bachelors in English (we all know how that ended). It’s my niche. And, I really think that God wants me to use it to bring Him glory! And so, that’s what I will aim to do.
I’m sure that there will be days I let him down (as in, everyday), but He has blessed me with this ability, and He handed me this opportunity and I will run with it ‘til He wants me to stop!

Thank you for your support! Welcome to all of my new followers! So much has happened in such a short span of time (like 5 weeks) that I’m kind of spinning. And there are other things in the works, too! It’s only going to get better (FINALLY) for the Schutts!

                                                                                     Source: weheartit.com via Jaima on Pinterest

God is good! 
 
 

alternate text
connect
instagram rss pinterest twitter facebook Default

Intspiration {via Pinterest}

I just wanted to share a few of my favorite Inspirations on Pinterest lately. Hoping they’ll inspire you, too!
Source: None via Jaima on Pinterest
Source: etsy.com via Jaima on Pinterest
alternate text
connect
instagram rss pinterest twitter facebook Default

Blessings

I think it’s safe to say I’m accepting it. It has been one long hard emotional process. As is expected, I suppose. To say the past 21 months have been a nightmare would be an understatement. But, I am accepting it. I am accepting the fact, though I hate it to my core, that my Mom at 50, and my only sibling at 18, died. Together. 2 days before Christmas. Leaving me 14 weeks pregnant and alone at 24 years old.
I’m accepting the fact, and beginning to realize that sometimes God brings pain to your life so that you can bring Him glory through your life. And that is my new mission statement. 
I can let it hurt me or help me. And there’s already enough hurt. I’m letting go. It takes everything I have, but I am letting go.
I’ll never understand why. I’ll still hate when people tell me that they are still “with me” and how “God must’ve needed them more”. Both facts, I believe to be true, but they never make someone grieving feel better. They just make them mad. At God. But, I’m letting go.
I’m choosing to acknowledge the manymanymany blessings and resources He has given me. Including my perfect baby girl whom her grandmother didn’t even know of.
Some folks run from God during times like this. Questioning how He could allow something like this to happen, and losing all faith. Yes, I asked the whys several times in the beginning. I screamed out to Him in anger. 
But it was truly in those times that I felt Him. It was the moments while I watched my husband and father bury them on that freezing December day while numerous teenage boys stood around the broken ground in their bibbed overalls with tears freely flowing. It was when I finally had to take down Mom’s most perfect Christmas tree in the middle of January. It was when the bills from the accident mounted over $150,000.00. It was when I returned to my home in Connecticut for the first time, a month after the accident, leaving Dad for the first time by himself in 25 years. It was when we told Dad we were not going to live with him, but get our own place. It was when I went into labor without her. It was when Mother’s Day and birthdays and holidays, and the 1 year anniversary rolled around. It was when we started cleaning things out. It was when Dad disowned me and married his “soulmate”. It was when Elizabeth turned 1. It is today, and every day.
And through it all, I’ve truly learned to see my blessings. 
And that is what this song reminds me of…
“Blessings” by Laura Story

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace, comfort, for family, protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, for prosperity. We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering.
All the while You hear each spoken need, Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things.

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disuise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear, we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near.
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love. As if every promise from Your Word is not enough.
And all the while You hear each desperate plea. And long that we’d have faith to believe

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?

What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
And what if trials of this lifeAre Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win, 
we know that pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home. 
It’s not our home

‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nightsAre what it takes to know You’re near?
What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?
And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your mercies in disguise?
alternate text
connect
instagram rss pinterest twitter facebook Default

C.J.’s 20th Birthday

Yesterday C.J. would have been 20! Crazy to think that he would already be that old. Even crazier to think that he’s been gone for 20 months.

It was a great day though. I’d be lying if I didn’t say I had a few breakdowns on my own. Once on the way home from church as I was thinking of all the things I needed to do as I drove to pick up balloons. The second time, late last night after everyone had left. I was sweeping the floor and cleaning up after his party, and Andrew was playing the piano. The last song he played was, “Happy Birthday”… I lost it.

Some people probably think I’m a lunatic for having a birthday party for my dead brother. But I can’t help it. We did it last year, too. It was awkward to explain to the lady who blew up 20 yellow balloons for me that they were for my brother when she asked Elizabeth if we were going to have a happy birthday party for her uncle. I replied with, “yes” of course… but I also commented that it wasn’t necessarily a happy birthday since he’s been gone for the past two. I guess I shouldn’t have said anything at all, but I too often speak before I think.

My perspective is a lot different than most peoples, I guess. You see, I’d rather celebrate the 18 years and 3 months we had with him than mourn the whole day. I’d rather be surrounded by his closest friends that remind me so much of him and allow me to feel him even closer than to miss him for another second.

I say all of that to say that it was a great day. Several of his friends came and a lot of our family came. It was just your average summer cookout. Simple and plain, yet oh so special, just like C.J. And there were firecrackers. Lotsandlots of firecrackers. In true C.J. fashion, the boys spent the evening blowing stuff up (what is it with boys and fire?) and stuffing their faces. For a few minutes, among all the loud booms and seemingly loud boys, I actually quit missing him.

We ended the evening with icecream cake and hugs. There’s nothing that makes me feel him more than a tight hug from his friends. That may sound crazy (as I’m sure this whole post does), but something about his friends, that are close in size and age to him, hugging me makes me feel him.

Apparently, Elizabeth could feel him too. She hasn’t been around his friends very often, and regretfully never met C.J., but she was allover his friends last night. She doesn’t snuggle with me the way she snuggled with them. She climbed right into their laps several times.

It was a great day.

Happy 20th Birthday, Clifford James. I love you more than I ever told you. And I miss you more than you could ever know. I can hardly wait to see you again some sweet day.  

alternate text
connect
instagram rss pinterest twitter facebook Default

It feels awesome

So far, I am on day 4 of my challenge, and it has been amazing! I feel so much lighter. Much less tense. Almost free at times.

I’ve gotten up on time every morning, prayed, at least read my daily devotional (some mornings I’ve taken the extra time to read His actual words), and shared a few moments with the Lord and my husband before letting the day get crazy.

Instead of having my phone in my hand all day, I’ve been plugging it in to the surround sound and playing Pandora. Listening to praise all day helps me stay focused, and helps me to not lash out when I want to. Yesterday, we had a “dance party” for nearly an hour. It was awesome. All three of the kids loved it! And essentially, I love anything that holds their interest for that long – especially if it’s something that is good for their ears and heart. As an added bonus, it keeps us moving/dancing. After nap time, F even requested me to turn it back on! Score!

Probably my favorite thing so far about this challenge is how it’s already affected my marriage. Before, I’ll admit (though I haven’t really even admitted this to him even), it seemed like we had become so distant. It seemed like I was so far away from the person I wanted to be closest to. Andrew is a hard, dedicated worker (which I truly respect and appreciate – especially since it allows me to stay home), and he is always up for helping other people (which again, I love, but selfishly wish he’d spend that time with me and El). It frustrated me to no end that he was rarely at home. That the only time he spent with Elizabeth was a few short minutes in the morning and then dinner time at night before I gave her a bath & put her to bed. And I became more and more frustrated. And who did I take it out on when I was frustrated? Him, of course. I was frustrated that I seemed to be the one doing all the work around the house while all he did was supply the money. I had began to fill like a single mom who got the privilege of at least sharing dinner and a bed with their spouse. The only time we had to ourselves was right before bed when we’d take silent showers together. It seemed like we talked on the phone during the day more than we would talk face to face. When he’d get home, he’d either be so tired (and probably frustrated at me, too) he’d either veg out while leaving me to tend to things myself, or I’d nag him to death about the thousands of things on his “honey do list” ’til he’d do them, which didn’t need my help. Clearly, things were not healthy. Until I challenged myself. Sunday night, after he came home from two long days with the Army, I asked/made him read my blog posts. He grumbled that they were so long…. However, in just four short days, I will say that we are probably in a happier place than we have been since before Elizabeth was born, or realistically, since we made the move to Tennessee. He’s been getting up with me in the mornings. I share with him the devotional, and this morning, and Tuesday morning, we talked for a good while. About our plans, about our current financial crisis, and about our blessings. He’s been playing with El in the mornings, and doing bath/bed time with us at night. And instead of me running off to facebook or clean something, I’ve let it go and relaxed with the man I’ve always thought God created especially for me. This morning we even went for a run together. All 3 of us. When I want to say something ugly, I’ve been praying for him – for me. It feels great. I never imagined us needing this challenge. We rarely argue, and generally have a perfect marriage, but we’ve both just let other things come between that.

It’s been hard, but it has been soooo worth it.

I wish you could fill the lightness atop my shoulders now. Where once, I was so bogged down with boulders, I feel free. The boulders I created for myself, I removed. And it feels awesome!

alternate text
connect
instagram rss pinterest twitter facebook Default

Challenge

This summer, our church has been studying the book of Mark in a series called Defiance: Challenge the Norm. Today was the last lesson in the series, and provoked a lot of thoughts, and has encouraged me to challenge myself in a way I’ve been wanting to, but haven’t taken the 1st step towards yet. (you can watch the sermons or read the notes here)

My challenge, is not an easy one. At least not for me.

I shamefully admit that I am somewhat addicted to social networking. I am constantly plugged in. Refreshing facebook updates on my iPhone, Checking and browsing through my favorite blogs and link parties, and chatting with friends has become a terrible part of my day-to-day life. I feel like my phone is constantly in my hand. I probably waste so many hours “plugged -in”. I’m too afraid to look at it’s stored life history.
I also love to sleep. Well, I usually stay up late facebooking and playing sudoku (on my iPhone, of course), but I love to sleep in.
I admit, too, that I am crazy OCD. Painfully OCD, to the point that my floors have to be swept each day and the house has to look at least picked-up before I can leave it. Every single day during El’s first naptime I sweep. Usually 2-3 times a week I also mop. And at least 3 nights a week I sweep again. It’s bad. And I’m really trying to let go (at least somewhat) of the obsession.

As Elizabeth turned 1 last month, the pace of the year shook me. Everyone told me, “it goes by so fast”, but I never thought it would go that fast. I realize that pretty soon I’ll wish she were still here to make messes for me to clean and that I shouldn’t be so obsessed with it now. There will always be dirt, but there won’t always be a giggly li’l girl wanting to go “ring around the rosies” holding her Mommy’s pointer fingers. There will always be emails and people that I really don’t need to keep up with on line. But, there won’t always be tickles to give and snuggles to share.

So my challenge… is to
~ Wake up by 7:00a every day and get at least 1/2 an hour to myself in devotion before greeting the day. Before picking up the broom, before throwing together breakfast, before checking facebook I will open my Bible. I will thank Him for the day and get my mind prepared for the day. I figure this will help with my recent hot/cold issue, and also help the day to not be so stressful. I’m sure waking up leisurely in prayer and in His word will make for a better day than jumping out of the bed when the 2 monkeys I keep arrive here whining and ready to go.

~Unplug. Simple as that. Forbid myself to check facebook or my RSS feed until Elizabeth is napping or in bed for the night. And, I will tend to Etsy & it’s emails first. But I won’t check facebook or RSS until after that and only if the other things in the house are taken care of (bills, dinner, laundry, etc). I’ll leave my phone charging on the counter or plugged into the dock for music unless someone important calls or messages me. Like an actual home phone. Imagine that. To help me be reminded, I’m deleting my RSS app from my phone and will log out of facebook each time, so that when I go to log-in, I’m questioned whether I should or not. At night, when El’s in bed, I will only play on my phone/laptop if Andrew says it’s okay. I feel like both of us sit on opposite sides of the couch and play with our phones without having any clue what’s going on with the other person. I think this will be great for our marriage, too. I’m hoping I can convince him to unplug too.

~Truly savor each and every moment with my baby girl and my husband who works too hard. I will read to Elizabeth more. Dance with her more. Play “I’m gonna get you” more. I will snuggle on the couch with Andrew more (like the old days). I will lay in bed at night and talk about our dreams again.

And that’s it. For now. Next week, I will hopefully give you my great success story.

What should YOUR personal challenge be?

alternate text
connect
instagram rss pinterest twitter facebook Default
Easy AdSense by Unreal