It is hard to fathom that I would have a 4 year old today.
It is still even harder to fathom that I do not.
I don’t care how “common” it is, miscarriage is hard. Every single due date comes and every single one hurts the same. I grieve for the baby I never held. I grieve for the baby my body rejected.
It is hard to imagine how different our life would be today if we had two babies here to care for. A 4 year old and an almost 2 year old. I’m sure they would be the very best friends, and enemies at times.
I would be making double batches of smoothies and beginning school soon. I would have to replace one of the baby swings for a big kid swing, and I’m sure we’d have bunk beds or sweet matching toddler beds for Elizabeth’s room. We’d probably be busy with an extracurricular activity. Would it be gymnastics or karate? Softball or baseball?
I don’t know. But I do know that I cannot wait for the sweet reunion in heaven. I know My mama is rocking that sweet baby every night, just as I rock Elizabeth. And I am sure that C.J. is the proudest uncle there. He wanted to be one so badly, and neither of them got to hear that I was successfully past the miscarriage point with Elizabeth, when they died.
We will celebrate today though. We will celebrate the miracle that God let me nurture a sweet baby, even if for only 10 weeks. We will celebrate for all that He taught us through him/her, and the way that (s)he changed our lives. We will celebrate that He blessed us with a beautiful healthy baby sister 2 years later. And we will celebrate knowing that (s)he is safe in the hands of God, BB, and Uncle C.J.
We will celebrate just like we did the night we found out I was pregnant!
Happy 4th Birthday, baby. We love you so much! Your baby sister sleeps with your kitty cat every night. She loves it, just like I knew you would. She also sleeps in the crib we went to NY to get for you. I wish you could have slept in it, too. Bug, you will never know just how much you have changed our lives.