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truth is:
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I let fear control me.
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One of my greatest fears is Elizabeth losing her Mommy.
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and vice versa.
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I have shared about that before here.
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truth is:
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fear is one of the reasons I love to freezer cook. What if something happened to me?
I know people in my small southern town would bring food. -
but then what? Let me be the first to tell you that the meals stop.
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People go back to their normal lives, while yours is still standing still.
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truth is:
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The fresh vegetables that my Maw-Maw froze before she died were the best I ever ate.
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I just finished the last jar of salsa Mama made a few months before she died.
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there was comfort in that food.
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it was hard to finish that last jar though, knowing there would never be another.
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truth is:
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the grief and fear engraved from my tragedy cannot be shaken.
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while I trust in Christ and have faith that He is in control.
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I act in fear.
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truth is:
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I’m not particularly happy about this.
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I am embarrassed to say that it sometimes keeps me from leaving the house.
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every thing I do has a “what if” attached to it..
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we very rarely leave Elizabeth with anyone else.
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truth is:
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I grieve for the little girls and boys who lost their parents in the Colorado shootings last week.
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I am always waiting for the next bad thing to happen.
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Will I lose Andrew?
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Will something dreadful happen to Elizabeth?
truth is:
It is inevitable. I know something will happen one day. -
I am working on my fear. I am working on me.
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I am trying to let go and move forward.
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it is hard.
I completely understand your fear. I wonder the “what if’s” too. I think you’re doing a wonderful job taking it one day at a time.
Thank you so much!
I too have the same fear. I have lost my own father and my grandfather and I know God will lead me through future losses in the same indescribable way he did with the prior ones but it is still hard. I will be praying
It is very hard… But somehow He picks us up and carries us through it…
I have the same fears after losing my on and husband within 6 weeks of each other…mom expected…my husband unexpected. I don’t want my boys to be orphans. I fear the loss of them everyday but still trust God. He made them…He can take hem just like mom and Jeff. I’m lad I’m not alone in my fears. Thanks for sharing.
prayers for you, my friend. I cannot imagine losing my husband right after I lost Mom… he has been my backbone most days…
This is so honest…just keep your faith…it is a fear we all face though for you it is much more real. Enjoy everyday & have no regrets
amen! That has been my moto this year!
I found your blog through Pinterest, and I am so glad that I did! I completely understand your fears and anxieties. I have suffered losses in my life, and my biggest fear is that something tragic will happen to my family. I have learned to deal with the anxiety and it mostly stays as “background noise” in my head, but there are still days where it is paralyzing.
So nice to know we’re not alone in this fight! I know they are inevitable, but I just keep saying, “God wouldn’t do that… I’ve already suffered so much…” But I know that it’s not my choice, but His…
I can relate to your fears as well. I had to chuckle a little at the reason you do freezer foods because I am a label-person…what if something happened to me? How would they know what spices are in which jars? How would they know the salt from the baking soda from the baking powder? For me, these fears came about when me daughter was born (she’s nearly 9 now). I think it’s different for husbands and wives, they are older and although the pain of loss is something that is very tangible and never goes away, children’s lives can be shaped and molded by the losses they experience. My daughter has high-functioning autism and my greatest fear is something happening to me and her dad…she would be reared by my inlaws, who love her to bits, but they are nearly 70 already. We have no other physically close-by relatives who could rear our daughter. God has put some awesome people in her life that see her for the precious gift that she is, but there have also been people who see her only for her deficits. Would anyone else nurture the gifts she has been given? Would anyone else have the patience to explain to her that you don’t ask the same question 27 times? Would anyone else make sure they were aware of her sensory issues that pop up, like itchy lace insets on shirts, and make sure that she had a change of clothing in case the 2×2 inch piece of lace became her focus? So many daily things that are taken for granted because you just “know” them because you’re the mom
I will be a mess when she grows up and leaves home…but I want her to! I want her to experience all of those things that make up “life”. I just pray every day that life is kind to her and try to do my best as her mom to prepare her. And I enjoy her while she’s here with me and still loves to be hugged and kissed and cuddled 
I love your blog
Thanks for writing this! I sooo relate to these fears. It never occurred to me (duh!) that my fears stemmed from losing my dad, unexpectedly, as a teenager. I can’t imagine losing another person in my life and now that I’m a mom, I think about my daughter losing me and it terrifies me. The anxiety of leaving her when I go to work is crushing at times. I know I can’t allow this fear to control me so I press forward but it’s an everyday battle.
I am a worrier too! Such a crazy world we live in these days. I just soak in the times and giggles I have with my boys as much as possible. I guess it’s my way to cope.
Jaima, sometimes fear is a good instructor. The freezer cooking, for instance. Just 18 days ago, my husband (who hadn’t even had a cold in the past 3 years) was teaching our son to make tacos so I could have a night off from cooking. My husband, who has no history of epilepsy, had a seizure. He collapsed and pulled the pan of hot, greasy ground beef onto his hand, burning three fingers until their blisters were the size of kumquats.
After convincing him that he was NOT all right, and a little Neosporin wouldn’t fix it, I took him to the ER where he explained to the doctor that he’d kind of felt “out of it”, then like his brain wouldn’t connect with his body, before falling. She recognize the symptoms of a seizure and ordered a CT scan on his brain. Four hours later, they’d transferred him to a different hospital where a top rated neurosurgeon found a tumor. His surgery was last Friday. He’s home now and recovering, but we have MONTHS of radiation and other treatments ahead of us.
Freezer cooking — and a stocked pantry — have seriously helped reduce the stress. Strange as it sounds, just knowing that my son and visiting family members were provided for gave me one less thing to worry about, and it was nice coming home from the hospital late at night to find they’d prepared dinner. That kind of “normal” is exactly what we all need during times of trouble.
So, don’t feel like you have to fight every fear. Some of them are simply good ideas.
your comment totally made me tear up. You are so right, and I am so thankful that freezer cooking has helped you! So sorry for your husband. Praying that he is healed and that your freezer will always be stocked!
Oh my…many prayers for healing for your husband! Men can be so obstinate!! I’m glad you got him to the doctor and they figured out what was wrong. Blessings to you and your family
You have no idea how much I relate to you. Sometimes I am paralyzed by worry and fear that bad things will happen. My worries intensified after having children. Oddly I feel comforted knowing there are other people that feel the same way I do. I’m so glad I ran across your blog.