It is hard to fathom that I would have a 4 year old today.
It is still even harder to fathom that I do not.
I don’t care how “common” it is, miscarriage is hard. Every single due date comes and every single one hurts the same. I grieve for the baby I never held. I grieve for the baby my body rejected.
It is hard to imagine how different our life would be today if we had two babies here to care for. A 4 year old and an almost 2 year old. I’m sure they would be the very best friends, and enemies at times.
I would be making double batches of smoothies and beginning school soon. I would have to replace one of the baby swings for a big kid swing, and I’m sure we’d have bunk beds or sweet matching toddler beds for Elizabeth’s room. We’d probably be busy with an extracurricular activity. Would it be gymnastics or karate? Softball or baseball?
I don’t know. But I do know that I cannot wait for the sweet reunion in heaven. I know My mama is rocking that sweet baby every night, just as I rock Elizabeth. And I am sure that C.J. is the proudest uncle there. He wanted to be one so badly, and neither of them got to hear that I was successfully past the miscarriage point with Elizabeth, when they died.
We will celebrate today though. We will celebrate the miracle that God let me nurture a sweet baby, even if for only 10 weeks. We will celebrate for all that He taught us through him/her, and the way that (s)he changed our lives. We will celebrate that He blessed us with a beautiful healthy baby sister 2 years later. And we will celebrate knowing that (s)he is safe in the hands of God, BB, and Uncle C.J.
We will celebrate just like we did the night we found out I was pregnant!
Happy 4th Birthday, baby. We love you so much! Your baby sister sleeps with your kitty cat every night. She loves it, just like I knew you would. She also sleeps in the crib we went to NY to get for you. I wish you could have slept in it, too. Bug, you will never know just how much you have changed our lives.
Wow, thank you for sharing. My would be four year old would have been born on April 15th. I also have an almost 2 year old (and now a 5 week old). It is so hard to imagine what life would have been like if things would have worked out. What my child would have been like, would the child look like his siblings? Would my youngest even be here – we only wanted two two kids. What would life be like without the him? Would I have three instead?
Thank you for taking the time to share your story. It put words to emotions that I have this time of year too.
Thank you for posting this. I know it was probably hard for you, like it is for me when I think about the baby that I never got the chance to hold. Some people find it hard to believe that years later I still grieve a little over my lost baby. They say that I was only ten weeks, you weren't even that far along. But the truth is, once a mother knows about her child they love them unconditionally and as strong as they ever could. That love wasn't able to meet face to face, but I have faith that one day it will. At first, I didn't understand why God would do this to me. But then I realized that He has a plan and that it had to be for the best. And I'm positive that she/he is wearing wings and watching over our family today. I still think about her/him a little each day and when my once due date rolls around I think even strongly about him/her. But, today I'm able to celebrate alike you. I'm able to tell my sweet angel that even though I never met her/him that I love them and that will never change.
Thanks for sharing. I lost a baby at 10 weeks too, who would soon be 2yrs. It's so hard and I will never forget either. Love your outlook on it all though. Thanks.
Thanks for sharing. I lost a baby at 10 weeks too, who would soon be 2yrs. It's so hard and I will never forget either. Love your outlook on it all though. Thanks.
Thanks for sharing. I lost a baby at 10 weeks too, who would soon be 2yrs. It's so hard and I will never forget either. Love your outlook on it all though. Thanks.
Thanks for sharing. I lost a baby at 10 weeks too, who would soon be 2yrs. It's so hard and I will never forget either. Love your outlook on it all though. Thanks.
I lost two babies. One at about 8 weeks and the other at 14 weeks. It has been many years ago but I still remember the feeling of loss. I raised 4 children, 3 boys and a girl, then the oldest boy was killed in an automobile accident when he was 19. Heartbreak doesn't even begin to describe what it's like to lose a child. The pain never goes away but it does get easier to bear as the years go by. God bless you and hope your pain begins to get easier to bear.
Thank you for sharing. Those who have been through this know what those emotions feel like. I lost Matthew at 21 weeks. He would have been 14 this next August. While the raw pain has subsided with the passing of the years, I still pause every August 10th and remember the joy of my pregnancy, the pain of my loss and the blessing of all our lives that have been forever changed. One of my very wise friends said to me when Matthew died, “How much closer heaven must feel to you now” and he was right. I, too, picture my loved ones who died before Matthew welcoming him into their presence and I joyously look forward to hugging him for real someday.
I loved reading this. I lost my first baby at 10 weeks too. He (for some reason I just knew it was a boy) would have been 5 on June 24. Every year I get a little sad when that day comes around. what you wrote was beautiful. I thank God every day for the three babies he gave me but I’ll never forget about the first one I never got to hold.
Thanks so much for sharing…hugs to you!!!
I too know how you feel. I had three boys and we decided to add another baby to our family. Unfortunately, I suffered a miscarriage at 8 weeks and lost baby. Doctor said it was just something that happens and they don’t know why. After I was given the “go ahead” , I became pregnant again. Sadly, I lost baby again at exactly 8 weeks! I was a mess…I couldn’t believe that I had lost 2 babies. Doctors could find nothing wrong and I didn’t understand how I had three healthy pregnancies with my boys, but was now having such trouble. Many thoughts went through my mind….maybe too much time had gone by (my youngest son was now nine), maybe I wasn’t meant to have anymore children- I should just be thankful I have three beautiful boys! I prayed on it for weeks…so uncertain of what to do and so devistated for having lost two babies. We decided to give it one more try, and if it was meant to be it would be fine. Otherwise, I would be content with the family I had and miss the babies I lost (until I could see them again!!)
Well…I’m happy to say that in January of 2003 my beautiful daughter was born happy and healthy!! I feel so blessed and thankful that I found it in my heart to try again….I really wanted to give up as I felt I couldn’t face another loss.
I tell my daughter that she is “my angel from heaven” all the time and we talk about the babies I lost before she was born. My children are now 23, 20, 18, 9.
I do think of my “angel babies” looking down on me all the time…I feel so blessed to have 4 children, but will absolutely LOVE meeting the two that aren’t with me!! <3
I must say that I enjoyed your post. I had three miscarriages in 2009 and I am so honored that God allowed me to carry those precious babies (one was a set of twins). I know that they are in heaven and that God was the one that took them. I find it a comfort to know that God allowed me those months of pregnancy to love them and He took them home with him. I know that God is the only one that can justly take a life and so for whatever reason he took them, I know that they are loved and waiting for me. I have a daughter and a son now and am so blessed. Keep the positive attitude and know that God doesn’t make mistakes, or leave us in pain alone. HE is always there to help us through.
I couldn’t agree more. XOXO
Thanks for posting this. I just lost my baby on March 16. I was almost 11 weeks. It’s been really tough for me. As I was looking for comfort, I cam upon this poem. I thought maybe others would enjoy reading it. I cry each time I read it.
What Makes A Mother
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked, “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard him say
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true
But, God, can you be a mother
When your baby’s not with you?
Yes, you can he replied
With confidence in his voice
I give many women babies
When they leave it is not their choice
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for the day
And some I send to feel your womb
But there’s no need to stay.
I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby here
He took a breath
and cleared his throat
And then I saw a tear
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing Here
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
“We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!”
I feel so lucky to have a Mom who
had so much love for me
I learned my lessons very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow is where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear
“Mommy, Please don’t be sad today
I’m your baby and I am here”
So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are okay
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they’ll stay
They’ll wait for you with Me
Until your lessons there are through
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates waiting for you
So now you see
What makes a Mother
It’s the feeling in your heart
It’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start
~Author Unknown
I love that so much!!!!! Thanks for sharing!