two years

 

I was writing a different post for today… It was melancholy and blah, just like the way I’m feeling, but I know you don’t really want to read about those kind of things, so I’ll try again… 

Plain and simple, December 22 will always suck. It will always be a day that I replay over and over in my head and I will always wonder, “what if”. It physically & literally hurts more than I can ever explain.

Some days I can’t believe that this ever happened. It’s simply unbelievable, after two years. But the pain and way I miss them cannot be fake.

But somehow, in all of the grief, I will say that it is not just bitter, it is bittersweet.

Through the tragedy, I have learned so much and grown so much. I have had to do things and learn things I never would have done other wise (and honestly never wanted to), but I have made it. Yes, through God’s Grace, and lotsandlots of prayers and daily encouragement from lots of different people, I have made it this far.

People who remember Mom & CJ make it not so bitter.
Folks who place ribbons and flowers at the tree will never know how appreciated it is.
CJ’s friends who still stop by often to play with Elizabeth and give me a hug do not know how badly I need it or how much it hurts, but heals.
Family, who honor Mom by putting her Christmas ornaments on their tree in her memory convince me that she will never be forgotten as her legacy lives on.
The whispers of strangers in town who point me out as “the girl whose mom and brother were killed” let me know that people will never forget.
And simply knowing that it’s changed the way I cherish and obsess over my family as many others have would make Mom the most proud, for family was most important to her.
Having faith that Mom will never again feel pain or heartache or that CJ will be faced with difficult decisions brings me much peace.

Your prayers and words are the only thing that has gotten me through this, so please keep them coming.

XOXO.