I think it’s safe to say I’m accepting it. It has been one long hard emotional process. As is expected, I suppose. To say the past 21 months have been a nightmare would be an understatement. But, I am accepting it. I am accepting the fact, though I hate it to my core, that my Mom at 50, and my only sibling at 18, died. Together. 2 days before Christmas. Leaving me 14 weeks pregnant and alone at 24 years old.
I’m accepting the fact, and beginning to realize that sometimes God brings pain to your life so that you can bring Him glory through your life. And that is my new mission statement.
I can let it hurt me or help me. And there’s already enough hurt. I’m letting go. It takes everything I have, but I am letting go.
I’ll never understand why. I’ll still hate when people tell me that they are still “with me” and how “God must’ve needed them more”. Both facts, I believe to be true, but they never make someone grieving feel better. They just make them mad. At God. But, I’m letting go.
I’m choosing to acknowledge the manymanymany blessings and resources He has given me. Including my perfect baby girl whom her grandmother didn’t even know of.
Some folks run from God during times like this. Questioning how He could allow something like this to happen, and losing all faith. Yes, I asked the whys several times in the beginning. I screamed out to Him in anger.
But it was truly in those times that I felt Him. It was the moments while I watched my husband and father bury them on that freezing December day while numerous teenage boys stood around the broken ground in their bibbed overalls with tears freely flowing. It was when I finally had to take down Mom’s most perfect Christmas tree in the middle of January. It was when the bills from the accident mounted over $150,000.00. It was when I returned to my home in Connecticut for the first time, a month after the accident, leaving Dad for the first time by himself in 25 years. It was when we told Dad we were not going to live with him, but get our own place. It was when I went into labor without her. It was when Mother’s Day and birthdays and holidays, and the 1 year anniversary rolled around. It was when we started cleaning things out. It was when Dad disowned me and married his “soulmate”. It was when Elizabeth turned 1. It is today, and every day.
And through it all, I’ve truly learned to see my blessings.
And that is what this song reminds me of…
“Blessings” by Laura Story
We pray for blessings, we pray for peace, comfort, for family, protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, for prosperity. We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering.
All the while You hear each spoken need, Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things.
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disuise?
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear, we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near.
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love. As if every promise from Your Word is not enough.
And all the while You hear each desperate plea. And long that we’d have faith to believe
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near?
And what if trials of this lifeAre Your mercies in disguise?
When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win,
we know that pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home.
It’s not our home
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nightsAre what it takes to know You’re near?
What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life
is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?
And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your mercies in disguise?
And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights, are Your mercies in disguise?
I love that song.
)
This is such a touching post.
♥Jazmin
I'm so sorry for the pain you endured. I have been to your blog before so I'm familiar with your story. I am happy to see that you have gotten to a place of healing. I agree with you that the people who say things like, "God needed them more" are well meaning, but those things don't help. So I'll just leave you with a *HUG* and a prayer that God will continue to heal you and that your testimony will bring Him glory.